Reflections On Turning 30

Today, I am thirty. I have to say, I am over the moon about it. I have always felt like an older soul, so to speak. Growing older has never scared me, intimidated me, or prevented me from doing anything. In fact, growing older excites me. As you age, you learn certain things, and you also learn to let go of certain things, if you choose to. But at the same time, I am a firm believer that age does not dictate maturity or your moral standing, being in your thirties does not automatically make you wise. To me, what age gives you is time, not to be confused with timelines or timing. But rather time as an opportunity to get to know yourself. What you choose to do with time is what brings maturity or allows you to gain wisdom. In the time that we age, do you choose to learn, to grow, and to get to know yourself more?

This is not to say I am miss wise, by any means. What I am trying to say, is that there is not a pinpoint in the discourse of our aging where we wake up one day and think “ah-ha! I am an adult now, I know more than those younger than me, and I have got it all figured out.” That just does not happen. Life also throws us a lot of things we do not ask for or that we cannot predict. I have had a whole lot of that. As I sit here, looking out over the Delaware River, reflecting on what this day means to me, what the last decade has brought me, and all the things I hope for in the future, I just keep turning back to the present. 

It is no secret that I want to be a mother. I had grand plans of two children by thirty, and well, that just has not happened yet. After my pregnancy losses, there was a point in time where I was stuck in the past, while simultaneously being fixated on the future. While we have not “tried” since our last loss in 2018, when we do decide to, I feel ready for whatever comes. In-between the losses, in 2017 about a year after our wedding, my husband had several major surgeries and long-term hospital stays, that most people don’t face until later in life, if at all. Even though 2017-2018 were hard years for us, there were a lot of happy times, too. The time between then and now has allowed me to grow, I was pushed, even when I did not want to be. Even when I did not choose to be, I was challenged. Fast forward years later to 2020, COVID hit, and a lot of things were put into perspective. I realized that despite our losses, despite the obstacles, I am thankful that we are here today and that we are healthy and happy, and that is such a privilege.

Right now, I am not thinking about where I would be at thirty if I had kids. While it hurts, do not get me wrong, what I am thinking about is the woman I am because of the resilience it took. I am sure of myself, I am proud of myself, and I know for certain that I will be a far more incredible mother because of it. Today, in the present, while things may not be exactly as planned, I am the best me I could possibly be, flaws and all. I have the most incredible co-pilot in my husband, a wonderful family, the best friends I could ask for, and a whole lot right in front of me. I will forever be a work in progress, but with the time that continues to be lived, and not passed, I keep growing, I keep getting to know myself, and that is the best part about turning thirty.

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